


i love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret between the shadow and the soul

by LadyGrey1996



Category: The Imitation Game (2014)
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, M/M, Older Alan, Older Christopher, Resolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Young Alan, Young Christopher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 14:55:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3330197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyGrey1996/pseuds/LadyGrey1996
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alan and Christopher's relationship gradually evolves, and turns out to be something greater.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. SEE YOU IN TWO LONG WEEKS DEAREST FRIEND

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NikiCracker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiCracker/gifts).



"Alan!" Alan turns to the sound of his name, just in time to see Christopher running towards him.  
“Hello Christopher.” He says as the other boy stops in front of him.  
“How was your summer?” He asks him smiling.  
“Um, i-i-it was good. I read a good book about mathematics, y-y-you would have enjoyed it-” Alan stops talking when he feels Christopher’s hand on his arm. He looks up at him in question.  
“I promise to check it out.” Christopher smiles, and Alan can feel his stomach curl and his arm burn right where Christopher has touched him. “Are we meeting tonight?”  
“Tonight?”  
“Yes, of course. Are we meeting?”  
“A-all right” Alan answers in one breath. Christopher smiles.  
“Come on” he grabs his arm to hurry him to the classroom. “We ‘re gonna be late.” Alan smiles and follows Christopher into the classroom, a smile on his face.

~~*~~

After long hours of welcome backs and boring classes Alan finally goes back to his room. He unfolds a piece of paper and stares at it for a long time. He already has decrypted it but he still prefers the encrypted version. That way only he can read it.  
 ** _SEE YOU IN TWO LONG WEEKS DEAREST FRIEND_**  
He holds on to the piece of paper till he falls asleep.

He wakes up when he hears a crick from the door. He opens his eyes and sees Christopher walking towards him in the dark.  
“Hey.” He says.  
“Hello Christopher.” Alan says sleepily.  
“I thought we were meeting” he smiles at him.  
“I-I lost track of time.”  
“Come on.” Christopher’s smile widens and reaches for Alan. “Sit up I wanna show you something.”  
Alan carefully sits up and looks curiously at the boy in front of him.  
“W-what is it?” He asks.  
Christopher goes over to Alan’s desk where Alan saw him put his books when he came in. He takes one of them and walks towards him again.  
He hands him the book and looks down away from him and Alan has never seen him doing that before. He takes the book and looks at Christopher until he tilts his head up to look a him.  
“I,uhm, I didn’t have the chance to wrap it up so…yeah, I think you are going to enjoy it, Alan.  
“Ch-Christopher, what is this?”  
Christopher sits next to him on the bed.  
“It’s a birthday present.”  
“My birthday was in summer.”  
“Yes, and I didn’t see you then so…here.” He says taking the book and starts looking at it as if it is the first time he sees it.  
“Christopher, you didn’t have to buy me a book.”  
“Funny thing,” Christopher huffs “I didn’t buy it actually. It’s one of my old ones. I thought you will appreciate it.”  
“Thank you.” Alan says and opens it on the first page. On the top right corner there is a note written in Christopher’s elegant handwriting. It reads: my dear friend,Alan, Happy birthday. He smiles softly while looking down at the book and when he is about turn to the next page Christopher’s hand covers his and he turns his head to look at him curiously.  
“Don’t” Christopher says. “Just, read it later ok?”  
“Ok” Alan nods and glances once more at the note before he closes the book and puts it on the nightstand.  
“So, how did you spend your summer?” Christopher asks pleasantly.

Later that night, after Christopher has gone back to his room, Alan opens his book. He takes a few moments to look at the note on the first page again and then he turns to the next one.  
When he has read about ten pages he notices that the letter _**P** _ is inside a circle made with a pencil. When he continues a few pages after he notices a _**Z**_ in another circle.  
After a few more pages he glances at the clock and decides it’s time to go to bed. He closes the book and puts it on the nightstand.

It’s real early in the morning, Alan walks down the silent corridors of the school.  
Everyone is still asleep and there is a comforting touch in the silent morning. He goes outside and spots Christopher sitting in their tree staring in front of him. He walks towards him. When he is just a few inches away from him he calls his name.  
“Hello, Christopher.”  
The older boy doesn’t reply to his greeting.  
“Christopher? Christopher c-can you hear me? Christopher?”  
No answer from the other boy. Alan panics and reaches to stroke his shoulder. “Christopher can you hear me?”  
After a few moments of silence from the other boy and before Alan has the chance to think of what to do Christopher turns to him.  
“Oh, hello Alan.” He smiles. “I didn’t hear you coming.”  
“What happened. What were you thinking?” Clearly relieved.  
“Oh, I wasn’t thinking.” Christopher says as he tears his eyes from his friend’s and looking nowhere in particular. “Honestly Alan I can’t think anymore.” He smiles sadly this time.  
“What? W-why?” Alan asks alarmed. “What happened?”  
“Oh, nothing” Christopher says lifelessly. “I was just….dying.”  
“Christopher!!!!”


	2. P ZQAE TQR

"Christopher!!!!"  
Alan wakes up screaming Christopher’s name. The bed sheets are curled all around him as if attempting to choke him. His hair is stuck on his sweaty forehead and his breathing is erratic.  
He stays there for a while trying to calm himself down and then looks at the clock in the nightstand. He has to get up now of he wants to have some time to spent with Christopher before their first class begins. He stands up slowly, still shocked from his nightmare and goes over to the common bathroom. Then he gets dressed and walks towards the classrooms.

He finds Christopher at his desk, reading a book. He takes a deep breath and walks over to him. Christopher hears his steps and raises his head from whatever he is reading, smiling at him.  
“Ah, good morning Alan.”  
“H-hello, Christopher. G-glad to see you are all right.” He goes over and stands next to Christopher, who maneuvers a bit so that Alan can sit with him on the chair. When Alan sits next to him, shoulders to knees touching, Christopher glances to the back of the door of the classroom and then back at Alan.  
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He asks returning to their previous conversation.  
“N-nothing.” Alan looks down at his hands on his knees.  
“Alan?” Christopher asks.  
“I j-I just had a weird dream that’s all.” He raises his head and notices that his friend is looking at him intensely. But he doesn’t asks for more explanation and Alan is grateful.  
They sit there for a while enjoying each other’s warmth, Christopher reading his book and Alan looking at Christopher and sometimes glancing at the book in his friend’s hands.  
“What did you think of the your book?” Christopher asks suddenly.  
“I, ah, I didn’t finish it. But it appears to be very interesting.” He smiles. And Christopher looks at him with bright eyes. Then he looks back at the pages in front of him. “Say, Christopher? What are those letter you have circled?” Alan asks and he feels the other boy tense next to him. He doesn’t answers immediately. He closes the book, places it at the edge of the desk and then turns to look at Alan.  
He smiles but his smile is different this time. Less certain.  
“A code.” He answers.  
“A c-code?” Alan repeats.  
“Yes, Alan, a code. And…have you cracked it?”  
“How many letters?” Alan asks.  
“Eight.” The older boy answers looking straight in Alan’s eyes. Alan gasps silently.  
“N-no, I haven’t. I’ve only gotten to the first two.” Alan says quietly.  
“Ok” Christopher answers breathlessly and suddenly Alan realizes that they have gotten close. Too close. “Let me know when you’ve cracked it.”  
“O-ok” Alan breathes.  
For a few moments they keep looking at each other’s eyes, when students start entering the classroom getting ready for their first class. Christopher exhales soundly and moves over to sit on the next desk. Alan is just sitting there silently, looking at Christopher, who is taking his books and notebooks out, preparing for the class. It is only when the teacher has entered greeting the students that he remembers to take his books out.

 

When they meet for lunch, Christopher is his usual self, smiling and telling Alan things that he has read and have had him impressed, not even once showing discomfort, or does he seem to be referring to this morning’s conversation.  
In the afternoon the are walking towards the dorms. Before they reach Christopher’s, he stops and looks at the Alan.  
“S-so,” Alan asks and Christopher turns to look at him “are you doing something tonight?”  
Christopher’s smile falls a little when he answers.  
“I have to study for a literature test.” Alan nods understandingly “but, see you tomorrow before class?” He suggests and Alan smiles and nods emphatically. Christopher touches his shoulder tenderly  
“Good night Alan” he smiles.  
“Goodnight” Alan smiles back and stands there, watching Christopher walk away.  
He returns to his room and immediately drops his notebooks in his desk, grabbing his birthday gift. He opens it, and for a moment considers whether he should read it all until he gets to the other letters or look for them purposefully. He goes for the first. He opens the book on the last page he read last night. He reads half a page and then goes back to the last letter, Z, about three or four pages back. He looks at it for a while. Traces it with his finger. He goes back to what he is reading and continues for two and a half pages.

But then he realizes, he has not understood not even a single word of what he has read. He is just scanning the pages searching for the next letter to appear. He tries to concentrate, one line at a time.

One and a half pages latter, finally he gives up. He grabs a piece of paper and a pencil and starts turning the pages till he finds the next letter. Q. He sights. He turns the pages, pretty sure what he is looking for, now. And he finds it. A. And then E. After that, the last three letters are easy to find. T. Q. And R.

**PZQAETQR.**

**P ZQAE TQR.**

Or as ordinary people would say, **I LOVE YOU**.

Alan exhales soundly. He stares at the book and the paper he is holding.

Christopher loves him. He shouldn't, but he does. And out of sudden, Alan can feel his lips forming into a smile and the more he keeps looking at the paper, the more his smile widens until he can't take it anymore and he thinks his skin is going to break. He is too overwhelmed to go to sleep. And he can't meet Christopher until the next morning so he grabs his jacket and his book and walks out of his room and out of the school building. He goes over to their tree and sits underneath. He starts reading the book, now that he has cracked the code he thinks that it will be easier to concentrate. But no. He was wrong. It is even harder to pay attention, because word after word, line after line he keeps thinking of Christopher. So he gives up. He lets the book aside and closes his eyes. His mind gets lost in the thought of Christopher. His best friend. His only friend. He feels his lips curl into a smile.

Suddenly an idea crosses his mind. His smile wideness and he grabs his book and a pencil. He writes something in it and smiles proudly. He gets up and heads to Christopher's dorm room.

On the way there he keeps thinking whether he should leave the book outside the door or hand it to Christopher himself. He doesn't have time to decide though because when he turns into the hallway where Christopher's room is he finds himself face to face with him.

“Alan” he smiles surprised.

“C-Christopher. I-I didn't mean to bother you.”

“You are not bothering me, Alan.” The boy laughs good heartedly. “Are you coming in?” he gestures at the door to his room.

“I c- don't you have a literature test to study for?”

“Oh, that. Turns out it was much easier than I expected.”

“Oh” Is the only thing Alan can say.

“Are you coming?” he asks again heading to the door.

When Christopher turns his back to Alan, to open the door, Alan smiles shyly to himself and follows Christopher.

When Christopher closes the door, Alan goes over and sits on the bed. As he always does, when they spend time on Christopher's room. Christopher looks at him for a while from the other side of the room and then walks towards him.

“So,” he asks Alan with his eyes fixed on the book Alan is holding “did you read the book?”

  
  



	3. ..    .-..  ---   ...-   .    -.--   ---   ..-

“So, did you read the book?” Christopher comes and sits next to Alan.

“I-I didn't finish it.” Alan stutters.

“Huh” Christopher nods carefully.

“B-But,” Alan continues, carefully as well “I did find the letters.”

Christopher looks at him expectantly. Alan hands him the book.

“Here,” he says and stands up. Christopher looks at him in shock. “Wait till I am gone to open it.” he walks to the door and leaves the room.

When he closes the door he leans against it and close his eyes. After a few moments a big smile appears on his face and stars walking towards his room.

On the other side of the door, Christopher looks shockingly at the book.

Is Alan returning the book to him? Did he crack the code? Had Christopher scared him away?

He opens the book. He scans the pages quickly and finds nothing on any page. When he is about to throw the book to the wall he notices something written on the first page.

_**.. .-.. --- ...- . -.-- --- ..- - --- ---** _

Christopher smiles widely. He throws the book on the bed and runs through the corridor. He runs into Alan the moment his friend is heading to his own room.

He grabs his arm and Alan turns to look at him, his eyes wide and expectant.

“Alan.” He brings his forehead close to his, almost touching. Alan's breathing quickens and his eyes focus from his eyes to his mouth and back.

“Christopher-”

“N-no, just-” he takes a step forward and Alan takes a step back til he finds himself between the cold wall and Christopher's body that radiates so much heat, that makes him shudder.

Christopher is so close to him, their lips almost touching, when they hear footsteps from the other side of the hallway. Alan gasps and Christopher breathes and closes his eyes exasperatedly while steps back.

They turn and see a professor walking towards them. When he notices Christopher he stops.

“Ah, Morcom, an excellent paper you gave in today. I will need you for a while after class tomorrow. I will speak with your mathematics professor of course so that he will be aware of your absence. Excellent, my boy, excellent.”

“Thank you professor.” Christopher answers, not once breaking eye contact with Alan.

The professor makes a content sound and walks past them. When he has turned Christopher licks his lips and takes Alan's hand. They walk together to Christopher's room, careful, not to be seen by anybody. When they get there Christopher locks the door behind him. Alan turns around to look at him.

“Christopher, I-, I-I mean, w-why?”

“What to you mean why, Alan?” Christopher walk over to him, but doesn't make any move to touch him, until he has made sure Alan wants him to.

“Wh-why m-me?” Christopher smiles and raises his hand to caress Alan's cheek, but then he thinks again.

“Because, Alan, you are amazing.”

Alan smiles shyly.

“You are smart and funny-”

“I'm not funny” Alan interrupts him.

“I think you're funny.” Christopher answers. “And that's one reason I love-- spending time with you.” Alan looks at him and Christopher sights. “That's one of the reasons I love you.”

“You are not suppose to.” Alan says looking down. This time Christopher put a hand on Alan's shoulder. “Alan, you and me, we never go for the expected. Do we?”

Alan shakes his head no. Christopher smiles and puts his hand under Alan's chin to raise his head.

“I could never love anyone but you.” He says, and then Alan feels his friend's lips on his, softly. It's not rushed. It's sweet and tender. Christopher's hands travel to his hair and grab it. Alan places one hand, carefully on Christopher's waist and feels Christopher smile in the kiss. After a few more minutes standing, Christopher pushes Alan towards the bed. When his knees hit the bed, Christopher places one hand on Alan's back so that he doesn't fall hard on it and pushes him gently. When Alan is lying on the bed Christopher lies half on top of him. He looks at him and brushes his hair from his forehead. With his finger he traces Alan's temple, his cheekbone, his cheek, his mouth and his chin. He bends his head and licks at Alan's lower lip. Alan makes a soft sound and puts one hand at Christopher's lower back. Christopher hums in approval and starts biting his lips. The only thing that can be heard in the room is their heavy breathing. Alan scratches Christopher's back as his hand travels to his head. He pulls Christopher's hair and Christopher bucks against him, while he licks his earlobe and sucks his neck.

Alan feels like he is about to explode. He can feel Christopher's cock against his leg. He wants to know what it feels like.

“Christopher” he pants “I-I want-”

“What is it Alan?” Christopher asks, looking directly at him. “What do you want?”

“I-I- more, I want more. I need-” he bucks his hips up into the air and Christopher gets the message. He maneuvers so that he is lying on top of Alan and then moves some more so that their cocks are aligned from inside their trousers.

With the new pressure Alan moans and Christopher bends down to kiss him again. This time the kiss is urgent and deep and Christopher groans and bucks his hips down. Alan gasps and bucks his own hips upwards to meet Christopher's.

When Christopher breaks the kiss, Alan lets a small whimper slip and the older boy grunts.

”God, Alan.” He attacks his neck. He licks and sucks and Alan lets him, lending reality to all the fantasies he's constructed. When Christopher sucks at his pulse point, Alan moans and tugs Christopher's hair hard. Christopher groans and bites down at Alan's neck.

When Alan finds his ability to move his hands again, he grabs Christopher's jacket and pulls it off. Christopher sits up, still on Alan, with his legs on either side of Alan's hips and throws his jacket on the other side of the bed, while Alan is loosening his tie. He throws the tie away and starts undoing the upper buttons of his shirt while Alan was working on the bottom ones. Once all the buttons are undone, he passes one hand through Alan's hair. He smiles and places it on his back and pushes him up so that they are chest to chest. Alan bites his lower lip and start sucking on Christopher's neck. All the while Christopher tries to take Alan's jacket off. When he manages that, he takes his tie off as well and Alan starts unbuttoning his shirt.

Then Christopher places a hand on top of Alan's working ones and Alan looks up. For a moment Christopher forgets how to breath. He gasps at the sight in front of him. Alan's eyes are blown wide, his cheeks are bright red and the look in his eyes is...

“pure passion.” he whispers.

“What?” Alan asks breathlessly.

It takes Christopher a moment to  recover. He shakes his head and tries to compose himself.

“Alan” he breaths.

“What is it Christopher?” Alan asks.

“Alan, have you” he breaths. “Have you done his before?”

“Th-this?” Alan asks looking at him?

“Yeah this” Christopher closes his eyes and bends closer so that their foreheads are touching.

“I hav- I- no I-I haven't.” Alan finally says. “But-”

“Alan” Christopher breaths.

“No, wait” Alan interrupts him “I want to do it Christopher. I want to.”

Christopher takes a shaking breath to calm himself.

“Good God, Alan”

“Please Christopher, I-I want you” Alan says and brushes his nose with his own.

“Alan we don't have to do it today. We-we don't have to rush it.” he rubs his hands up and down Alan's back.

Alan nods with his head in the curve between Christopher's neck and shoulder. He places his hands on Christopher's back under the open shirt and holds him close.

They stay like that for a while. Enjoying each other's warmth. Listening to nothing but the sound of their breaths, that after a while they became synchronized.

“I'm glad I gave you this book.” Christopher breaks their silence after a while. “You like it, it seems.”

Alan smiles, and Christopher laughs along. He rubs his hands up and down Alan's back.

“I am glad you gave it to me, too” Alan smiles. “You were right. I enjoyed it. So what are you doing tomorrow?”

Christopher goes back a little and looks into Alan's eyes. Then he stands up and goes over to where he keeps his pajamas. He takes one pair and goes over to Alan.

“Well,” he says and gives this pair to Alan, who looks at him wide eyed. Then he goes over and grabs one pair for himself. “I need to stay a little after biology class but I think I will be free in the afternoon.” he goes over to Alan again and smiles.

“Wha-Wh-” Alan takes a deep breath “What are you--”

“Will you sleep with me tonight?” Christopher asks with a smile.

“Ok.” Alan agrees surprised.

“Well, then you will need your clothes folded for tomorrow.” he says and sits on the bed.

He starts unbuttoning Alan's shirt. Alan keeps looking at him while he does so. When he has finished, Alan grabs him by his shirt and kisses him hard. Christopher nips at his lower lip and Alan opens his mouth to let Christopher in. Christopher explores the inside of Alan's mouth slowly, as if to mesmerize every detail, every sound, every sensitive spot. When he pulls back after a considerable amount of time, they are both breathing heavily.

“God, Alan. If you don't stop doing that, you are not going to need the pajamas.” Christopher laughs breathlessly.

“I don't mind not needing them” Alan says and smirks.

“Get in them” Christopher laughs and throws the pajamas towards Alan, while he stands up to wear his.

When they have changed into their pajamas and have gathered their clothes from where they were thrown in the bed and folded them, they curl into bed. Christopher is lying on his back and Alan is on his left side, one hand curled around Christopher's stomach and waist and his head on his chest. Christopher's left hand is plying with Alan's hair, while his right one is plying with Alan's fingers on his stomach.

“So, how much of the book did you _actually_ read?” Christopher smiles.

“Actually? The first ten pages. The ones before the first letter.” Christopher laughs. “I tried to read more but I couldn't concentrate. It was annoying. I kept scanning the pages without actually paying attention to the content. I was just looking for the next letter.” he pauses. “But then I knew what I was looking for” he smiles and looks up. He finds Christopher looking down at him. He kisses his forehead and leans back on the headboard.

“So, when did you-?” Alan asks.

“When you asked me how cryptography is different from talking.” Christopher answers. “And, you?” he bends his head so that he could look at Alan better.

“When you told me—when you told me that it is the very people who know one imagines anything of, that do the things that no one can imagine.”

Christopher looks at Alan stunned and then bends down to give him a quick kiss on the lips. Alan smiles happily and cuddles closer to Christopher, who tightens his hold on him and places his chin on Alan's hair.

They sleep like that, that night. Close to one another, feeling each other's warmth, and being lulled by the other's breathing.

Right before he falls asleep, Alan feels Christopher's hand creating a  concatenation of dots and dashes against his hand.

_**..    .-..   ---   ...-   .    -.--   ---   ..-** _

**I        L      O    V      E      Y       O     U**

  
  


 


	4. So what are we doing tonight?

Alan wakes up by Christopher's hand playing with his hair. He smiles to himself and then looks up at Christopher. He is looking at like he Is the luckiest guy in the world and Alan likes that look, but honestly, even more, he likes being the one causing it.

“What time is it?” Alan asks.

“We have a while before we need to get up.” Christopher answers.

“Is that while a lot?” Alan smiles.

“It depends.” Christopher smirks and rolls them over so that Alan is lying on his back, with him on top of him.

Christopher looks deep into Alan's eyes. They are bright and filled with joy and happiness and Christopher adores getting lost in them. He bends down and kisses him, slowly and sweetly, still sleepy. Alan smiles in the kiss. He feels Christopher's tongue caressing his lower lip, asking for entrance. Alan opens his mouth and lets Christopher in. His hand scratches down Christopher's back, from the top of his neck down to the lower of his back and then stays there to rub small circles on his spine. Christopher bucks his hips down to Alan and he can feel himself getting hard in seconds and he can feel it when Alan follows him right after. Alan bucks his hips upwards and makes the loveliest noises. He breaks the kiss and starts biting and licking Christopher's shoulder and neck. When he reaches his earlobe he gently takes it into his mouth and starts sucking it. Christopher can hear Alan's heavy breathing so close to his ear that he shivers.

He pulls back and then buries his face in Alan's shoulder.

“God, Alan, if you keep on doing this I won't be able to make it to class.

Alan smirks.

“Maths class is boring.”

“Maths class is not the first class.” Christopher laughs. “But yes it is boring.” he pulls himself up, gives Alan a peck on the lips, brushes his hand through his hair and gets up. He goes over to where their clothes are and takes his.

Alan is looking at Christopher the whole time he is getting dressed. Taking in his body and saving it in his mind so that he can replie every single detail in his head later this day. When Christopher is fully dressed and is going through his stuff to find the books he will be needing for the day, Alan gets up and puts his clothes on.

“So” Christopher turns to look at him “What are we doing tonight” he smirks.

  
  


  
  


Later the same day, Alan is in class. While the teacher keep talking about chemistry and elements the only thing he can think of is Christopher. His smile, his eyes, his look. The way his body feels on top of his own, how he shivers when Alan sucks at his pulse point. He shakes his head and tries to concentrate on what the professor is saying but the class is too dull and Christopher so interesting. When the class ends he lets a relieved breath and gets up to go to the next classroom.

He finds Christopher sitting in he usual sit and goes to sit next to him, in his own usual sit, and takes his books out. He turns to look at him and Christopher smiles at him. He smiles back, but that is pretty much all that he can manage without having to drag him out of class and into an empty hallway.

This class is even more torturous than the previous. With Christopher next to him he is having an even harder time paying attention. Memories keep flooding from last night and he can do little else but to embrace them and get lost in them until the class ends. This class and the next, and the class after that.

  
  


When it is finally lunch time, Alan thinks that he might be able to make it until afternoon. They sit together and they talk about cryptography and mathematics. Nothing major. Just the basics. But each sentence bares a desire, and every look hides a promise, meant to be fulfilled that very night.

  
  


With promises and expectations such as these, and with the reassurance they found on each other's eyes, that both of them could pull through the other half of the day, they lasted through the last two classes of the day.

  
  


When the first of the two classes ends, Christopher has to stay a little longer, as the professor had said yesterday. So Alan heads alone to maths class and takes his usual sit next to an empty one. It feels weird. And not good weird. His heart doesn't stop beating hard and his attention isn't turned to the irrationals, until Christopher comes back into class ten minutes later and takes his sit next to him. He gives him a smile which he returns more confident and relieved this time than the one in the morning.

  
  


After the last class ends too, Alan feels like he is about to explode. He goes over to his room and wonders how on earth he is going to spend two hours away from Christopher until the time comes when they have planed to meet. He decides to do his homework. But he finishes pretty quickly. He wishes he had Christopher's book to read but he had left that in Christopher's room last night. He sights and decides to go over to the common bathroom and take a shower before he goes to Christopher.

He takes a shower, carefully avoiding the other students and goes back to his room. He wears clothes again, as he will not be allowed to walk around the school in his pajamas, and checks at the time. He decides that, if he is a little early, well, worse things have happened.

  
  



	5. I missed you today

Alan knocks Christopher's door and looks around to make sure no one is looking at him. When Christopher opens the door he is fully dressed but his hair is wet, dripping on the floor, and Alan can barely keep his breathing under control. Christopher smiles and stands aside, gesturing at Alan to come in.

Alan smiles and gets inside, Christopher locks the door besides him. Before Alan has a chance to turn around, Christopher hugs him from behind and buries his head in his hair. He takes a deep breath and Alan places his hands on Christopher's that are resting on his stomach.

After a few moments of silence Alan brings his head to rest on Christopher's left shoulder and closes his eyes. Christopher brings his mouth close to his ear and licks once at the earlobe.

“I missed you today” he whispers softly. Alan turns in Christopher's arms so that they are face to face and raises on his tiptoes, their forehead touching. He takes a deep breath. Christopher smells of shampoo and books and something unique that is only Christopher.

“I missed you, too.” he whispers. Christopher bends his head a bit and kisses him. Softly at first. It is as innocent as their first one. A gentle touch of lips, which shocks him right down to the end of his spine. When he feels Christopher's tongue on his lips silently asking for permission he realizes that he has gotten hold of Christopher's jacket and is tugging him closer to him. He opens his mouth and Christopher starts pushing him towards the bed. Alan lies on his back with Christopher on top of him and puts his hands around Christopher's neck entwining his fingers. Christopher runs his hands up and down his sides while kissing him deep and hot. But Alan wants more. He wants much more.

“Christopher” he gasps and tries to pull away so that he can talk. But Christopher silences him once again with another kiss and Alan will no be protesting about it. He feels his whole body burning with every touch of Christopher and it feels like his hands are everywhere touching every part of Alan's body all at once. He grabs Christopher's jacket and takes it off of him. After they have gotten rid of his own jacket and their ties as well, Alan puts one hand on Christopher's still covered chest and pushes him up a bit. Christopher looks at him perplexed.

“Christopher, I want- I want you.”

Christopher takes a deep breath and looks at him steady in the eyes. He brushes Alan's hair back adoringly and caresses his cheeks.

“Are you sure, Alan?” He asks gently. Alan nods steadily, reassuringly and licks his lips.

“Ok” Christopher says gently. “Ok” he repeats and gets up. He goes over to his desk. When he comes back he is holding a small bottle.

Alan looks st him questioningly.

“Oil” Christopher explains. Alan nods and Christopher sits next to him. Alan sits up and looks at him from under his lashes. Christopher places on hand on Alan's neck and bends forward. Alan meets him halfway for the kiss. This time the kiss is deep, hurried and soon turns desperate. Christopher works Alan's shirt open and throws it over to the general direction of their jackets and ties. When his own shirt is gone too, he places his hand on Alan's zip and looks at him. Alan nods, one small, sharp move of his head. So, Christopher pushes Alan to lie down with one hand and with the other he opens his trousers. He kisses every newly exposed part of Alan's skin as he takes the trousers off along with his underwear. Until he has them of completely and thrown with the other clothes, Alan's breathing has become erratic and is grabbing the bed sheets with such power that the end has come off. Christopher takes his own trousers and underwear off as Alan runs his hands up and down his ribs.

He pushes Alan's legs further apart and sits between them. He traces his finger from his hip down between his legs and up to the other side, purposefully avoiding Alan's erection for the moment. Alan whines but Christopher offers him a kiss on the lips. He kisses his jaw his neck and down his chest. When he reaches Alan's cock he takes the head into his mouth. Alan makes a choked sound. Christopher smiles, as much as he can, with his mouth otherwise occupied. He swirls his tongue around the head a few times and then takes him deeper until Alan's head bumps at the back of his throat. Alan's hands fly to his hair but they don't push. They're just there. One of his fingers travels from Alan's hips to his hole and he starts caressing the tight opening. He swallows around his cock and Alan groans, his grip on his hair tightening. After a few more moments Christopher feels that Alan is close so he releases him with a wet sound. He goes up and kisses him deep and Alan can't help but moan when he tastes a little bit of himself in Christopher's mouth. Christopher pulls back and opens the small bottle. He purrs some into his hand and rubs them together to heat it. He brings one hand on Alan's hole. He looks up at Alan.

“Okay?” he asks. Alan nods and throws his head back. Christopher presses one finger slowly in. He waits a while for Alan to adjust to the feeling and the he slowly pulls it out and pushes in again. Alan grunts and Christopher can't tell if it is pain or pleasure but gradually Alan starts bucking his hips against his finger. He adds another finger and now Alan welcomes his fingers with ease. He adds a third one and then a forth one and to this point Alan has become a writhing mess.

He pulls his fingers out and Alan makes a displeased noise at the loss of them. Christopher puts some more olive in his hand and strokes his cock. He kneels between Alan's legs. For a moment he stands there.

“Alan I think- I think that if you turn around the first time it will be easie-”

“No.” Alan says. “I want to see you.”

Christopher smiles and nods. He aligns his cock with Alan's hole and pushes the head in. Alan takes a sharp breath. Christopher stops for a few seconds and then pushes in again, this time until he is all the way in. Then he stops. He bends a little and starts planing kisses from Alan's shoulder to his neck and then his temple and his hair, waiting for Alan to adjust to the pain. When Alan nods he pulls almost all the way out and carefully pushes in again. Alan takes a deep breath.

“C-Christ-” he doesn't have the chance to finish because he thrusts in hard and Alan chokes and groans and bucks his hips up to meet Christopher's thrusts.

Christopher moans and starts sucking and biting at Alan's neck thrusting even harder inside him and Alan runs his hands down Christopher's back scratching it with his nails, leaving marks that would still show tomorrow.

“My God, Alan.” Christopher pants close to his ear, and Alan grabs his hair and starts sucking and biting at his neck. When he sucks at his pulse point Christopher sets an ever faster and harder rhythm, changing his position a little causing him to hit Alan's prostate with every thrust. Alan cries out a choked moan and Christopher has to cover his mouth if they don't want every person in his room in about point five seconds. He feels a curl in his stomach and reaches down to stroke Alan's cock along with his thrust.

“Christopher I-”

“Alan, to-together” Christopher says and with one last hard thrust against his prostate Alan lets go. Christopher feels the purses of Alan's orgasm in his hand and that along the the clenching of Alan's body around him, sends him over the edge. He empties himself inside Alan, both of them breathing hard against each other.

“I love you” Alan says after a while, his voice muffled against Christopher's shoulder. Christopher pulls back enough to see Alan's face and smiles. He kisses him slow and deep, his hand caressing Alan's cheek.

“I love you too Alan.” he smiles after the kiss. He pulls out slowly, but still Alan hisses at the feeling.

“Are you ok?” Christopher asks concerned.

“Y-yes. I am fine.” Alan reassures him. Christopher nods and lies on his back on the bed and curls Alan close to him. He brushes some hair of his sweaty forehead and kisses the top of his head, leaving his chin to rest there.

They close their eyes, both enjoying the feeling of one another, the heat that radiates from their body keeping them warm.

They don't need pajamas that night.


	6. May I leave, Headmaster?

Their secret relationship continues for another year. School breaks are the worst but Alan never complains about it. He feels grateful to even have this with Christopher when they are together at school.

They are sitting under their tree, Christopher reading a book, and Alan doing a crossword puzzle.

“Do you ever think about college?” Christopher asks him at some point. Alan turns to look at him.

“I-I don't know.” he says. “I like mathematics.” he confesses. “Have you though about it?”

Christopher sights and closes his book. “I like chemistry.” he says as he sets it aside. “But I don't know yet. I haven't really given it much though.”

Alan doesn't answer. He looks straight ahead, thinking.

“Alan?” Christopher asks when he doesn't get an answer.

“How about-how about us?” He doesn't look at him.

Christopher doesn't answer. He looks down at his hands. Alan turns to look at him. He waits until Christopher turns to him, and in his eyes, he sees sorrow and darkness, and he is scared.

“I don't know.” he confesses finally. “I don't know...”

Alan looks down in the grass. He nods trying to remain calm. Christopher bring one hand on his shoulder, but he doesn't make a move to raise his head.

“Alan.” Christopher says softly. “Alan look at me please.” slowly he raises his head and looks at him. His face is pained, his expression hurt. “I don't want this to end.” Alan tuns to look away but Christopher squishes his shoulder some more, making him look at him. “I don't. But we will have time to think of that.”

Alan wants to hug Christopher. He wants to be in Christopher's bed away from the noise and the people, away from judging eyes and gossiping mouths. But this is how it going to be. Secret and illegal for the rest of his life. Hidden in dorm rooms, under bed covers and behind locked doors.

“Christopher?” Alan asks carefully.

“Yes, Alan?” Christopher says softly.

“A-are you ever afraid?” he asks shyly? Christopher tilts his head to look at him better.

“Of what?”

“Of us.” he says. “Being found out. What will happen.”

Christopher looks at him for a while without talking.

“I am.” he says after a few minutes. “I am very much, Alan.”

Alan looks at him alarmed. He was hoping that Christopher wouldn't be scared. That he would tell him that he is over-reacting. Maybe even make fun of him a little for being scared. But not that. Not him , being afraid as well. He takes a deep shaky breath. Christopher tries to smile at him reassuringly, but fails, and Alan can't tell whether he is trying to convince him or himself. But Alan nods anyway, giving Christopher the impression that he is a bit calmer. Then Christopher places one hand over Alan's and suddenly Alan calms down. Feeling in peace as if he is dreaming.

  
  


Later that day Alan is called to the headmaster's office. He knocks the door.

“You wanted to see me, Sir?” he asks from the entrance. The headmaster raises his head from a pack of papers and look at him.

“Turing. Sit down.” he gestures at one of the chairs in front of him. Alan goes over to the desk and sits on the chair. He looks at the headmaster in front of him who has returned to writing something in one of the papers.

“Is something the matter?” he asks after a while. The headmaster leaves his pen aside. And looks at him.

“You and Christopher Morcom are quite close.” he says nonchalantly.

“I wouldn't say that.” Alan answers quickly, making a huge effort to remain calm. His headmaster though doesn't seem to notice, as he continues.

“Your mathematics teacher says you two are positively inseparable.”

“We are the best student's in the class.” he makes an excuse, looking down.

“He caught you passing note the other day.” he says, still not believing that the two boys were not a little bit close. Or at least closer than Turing himself would admit.

“Cryptography. To pass the time. The class is too simple.” Alan explains, trying to sound calm. At least their professors can't decrypt their messages.

“You and your friend solve maths problems during maths class because maths class is too dull?” the headmaster asks sightly amused.

“He is not my friend.” Alan repeats, somewhat defensively.

“I've been told he is your only friend.” the headmaster remarks.

“Who said that?” Alan asks, feeling that the conversation with his headmaster has less to do with his relationship with Christopher and more with something else. Something worse.

The headmaster offers him a small smile but then his tone gets serious.

“Something has come up. Concerning Morcom.”

“Why am I here?” Alan asks tensing, looking at his headmaster, hoping that the next thing he hears has nothing to do with what is on his mind.

The headmaster looks at him for a while and he announces softly “Christopher is dead.”

The world stops. Time stops. There is nothing but Alan and his thoughts and he headmaster's voice giving life to he worst nightmare.

“I don't understand.” the words slip from his lips before he has a chance to stop them.

“His mother sent word this morning. The family was on holiday you see.” the head master explains.

“I don't understand.” And he doesn't. It is the first time Alan Turing can not understand. It is the first time something is beyond his abilities, greater than his mind. And then it is chaos. It is the peas and the carrots all mixed together. It the boys nailing him in a make-shift coffin. He can't hear what the headmaster is telling him. There is room for nothing more than the feeling of loss that is flooding inside him taking every feeling and leaving him hollow.

“Are you all right Turing?” he asks.

“Yes. Of course. Like I said, I didn't know him very well.” he answers coldly. But his voice break when he speaks the last word.

“Ah, I see. Very well.” the headmaster says, not entirely convinced.

Alan wants to go. He want to leave the office but there are no words forming in his mouth.

“May I leave headmaster?” he finally manages.

  
  



	7. Nightmares

He leaves the headmaster's office feeling empty, but at the same time so heavy that he can barely stand.

Right when he is walking among other student he feels a familiar hand on his shoulder.

“Alan?” he turns around to see Christopher screaming at him. “Alan? Alan?”

~~*~~

  
  


“Alan! Alan!” He feels a hand on his shoulder and Christopher's voice coming from far away. “Alan wake up!”

He opens his eyes and slowly focuses on Christopher's face.

“Christopher?” he asks.

“Yes, Alan, it's me.” Christopher says softly. What happened?”

“I was-I- It's just a nightmare.” Alan says closing is eye and letting his head fall back against the pillow.

“Just a nightmare? Alan you were shaking. You wouldn't wake up. I was calling your name for minutes!” he says clearly alarmed himself. “What happened? What did you see?” he goes over to sit in Alan's bed and hug him close. Alan curls in his arms, still shaking.

“I-I saw-. Y-you, you died.” Alan says in a shaking voice.

“Oh, God Alan. Why?”

“I d-I don't know. I didn't lis-listen to the headmaster.”

“No, I mean, why would you see something like that? Does it have anything to do with our conversation the other day about college?”

Alan looks up at him.

“I- maybe.” he sights. “I know it's stupid but-”

“It's not stupid.” Christopher interrupts him gently. Alan looks at him, but Christopher is looking straight at the wall.

Alan sits up, worried.

“Christopher, what is it?” he asks alarmed. Christopher turns to look at him slowly. He swallows. “Alan... you need to know something.”

“What is it?” Alan says, his voice trembling.

“It's my parents.” Christopher explains. “They want me to go to Law School. I'm-” he takes a deep breath “I'm leaving Sherborne.”

Alan simply stares at him.

“I tried to explain it to them, that I don't want to go, and that I want to study maths or chemistry, but-”

“When?” Alan asks without looking at him.

Christopher looks at him.

“After summer vacation.” he says finally. “They want me to spend the last year in another school and then I'm going to Law School.”

He looks at Alan and sights. “Alan?” he asks when he gets no response. “Alan please.”

“I don't want you to go” Alan says and wipes a tear quickly from his face.

Christopher hugs him tight.

“I don't want to go either, Alan.” he says, his voice unsteady.

“Then don't” Alan knows that there is no point on saying it, but, still, all the same, he does.

The stay like that, in silence for a long time.

“Christopher what about us?” Alan asks. He feels Christopher tense against him.

“Honestly, Alan. I don't know what about us.” he answers sadly. I really don't. Alan feels tears running down his face and down Christopher's shirt, he is not wearing his jacket. Christopher probably feels it, too because he pulls back a little and cups Alan's head in his hands. Alan can see his eyes are watery as well. He looks tired and hurt he brings his lips to Alan's and kisses him softly. When they part he kisses his forehead and lets his chin rest on Alan's hair.

  
  


~~*~~

The last night before school ends they stay in Christopher's room. They are lying together, curled in bed, naked, facing each other. Christopher caresses Alan's hair with his hand and he strokes his back with the other. Alan plants small kisses on his chest and rubs small circles with his fingers on his spine. He feels as if he is drowning into a swamp made of misery and loneliness, and it is his own dreams that grab him and push him deeper in.

“I am not sure I can survive that.” he confesses at one point.

“No,” Christopher hugs him tighter. “You have to. You have to promise me Alan. “Promise me that even if we never meet again, that you will live a happy life.”

Alan doesn't answer. How can he make such promise? How can he do this when, with each minute that passes his heart breaks into even smaller pieces and moment by moment he loses a piece?

“Alan please promise me, or I don't know how I am going to be able to leave tomorrow.” Christopher says sounding hopeless.

“Then I won't” Alan says in one last desperate attempt.

“Alan, please don't do this.” he is close to tears now.

Alan looks at him.

“Can you promise me the same?” he asks.

Christopher look at him, taken aback. Alan shakes his head.

“See, you can't either. How can I?”

“No, no” Christopher says. “I will Alan. I'll try.” He says and hugs him so close it hurts. But Alan welcomes that pain. He welcomes it because he knows that even with Christopher gone, he will be able to feel his hands on his body for a few more, last days. “I'll try. I promise you, I'll try.” Christopher keeps saying on and on until he reduces himself to tears. Alan lets his own hopes burn into nothing and follow Christopher's in the form of tears. So they make a promise. A forced one. And seal it with their tears and the blood that bleed through their hearts.

They cry their-selves to sleep that night.

And when morning comes, it's a dark one. The sun that shines bright above them does nothing to help the darkness inside their souls. They dress in silence and they say their goodbyes in Christopher's room, not baring the formal farewell in public. And then Christopher is gone. Taking Alan's heart with him.

From that night on, Alan doesn't have dreams. No. His dreams burned to dust and disappeared. No. He only has nightmares. But it's good. Nightmares are good. Because only in nightmares does Alan get to see Christopher's face again.


	8. The very people no one imagines anything of

_ **1954** _

“Oh my God! Alan!” Joan screams as she finds Alan's unconscious body on the bed.

 

~~*~~

 

Hugh rushes through the hospital corridors until he finds Joan. He runs towards her and she hugs him tight.

“It's Alan” I don't know. I didn't know who to call, he's- he was not-”

“Sshh” Hugh holds her for a while until she calms down enough to talk. “What happened?”

“He wouldn't let me help him. I tried. Jock and I both did but, he wouldn't let us. I knew it was bad, I did, but that? Oh my God.”

“Calm down, calm down. Where is Jock now?”

“He is on his way. I called him.”

“Ok good. Police are on their way, too. We need to find a way to get him out of this.” Hugh says. He takes her aside so that no one will listen to their conversation. “Listen.”

 

 

~~*~~

 

Jock arrives, a little after Helen and Peter.

Joan talks to Helen, and Hugh talks with Peter and Jock.

“Did you understand?” Joan asks.

“Yes, Joan I understand” Helen answers. “Talk to me about something else.” she says. “It will take your mind of it for a while.” she explains when she catches Joan's look. “When is the wedding?”

“November 27th“ she answers mechanically. “We found the church-” she pauses when she sees two detectives arrive.

When they get closer Joan takes a deep breath.

“Ma'am, did you find Mr Turing?” one of them, the older, asks.

“Yes. I did. And can you please tell me what is going on?” Joan answers.

“Mr Turing was getting hormonal therapy. He is you see, uhum, homosexual. But excuse me, ma'am, who are you?

“I am his fiance.” Joan says clearly.

“His-? But ma'am there must have been some kind of mistake. This man-?”

“This man is my fiance.” she says showing them the ring he had made for her. “I came home and found him like this and you tell it is because he was getting hormonal therapy? That he is homosexual?”

“Ma'am please calm down. Are you sure-?”

“You think I would fail to recognize my own fiance? How was he charged anyway?”

“Ma'am allow me to ask you this, where wereyou the last three month that all these happened?”

“I was taking care of my mother! No can you please tell me how he was charged?”

“A man broke into his house. We caught him, interrogated him- detective Nock here” he say gesturing at the other officer “interrogated him, and he told us that he was paid by Mr Turing to have sexual relations with him.”

“He robbed his house!” Joan protested “What would you think he would say?” she makes a few steps back and goes over to where the others were standing.

“Ma'am” the other officer, detective Nock, says “You said that this man is your fiance.”

“Yes.” Joan says.

“Are you getting married?”

“Of course. Of course we are”

“When?”

Joan looks at him. She can't think of a thing to say.

“November 27th.” Jock says.

“Nice time” Hugh comments.

Joan snaps back to reality.

“The church is St John Lindow.” she says. The two detectives look at the five of them leeringly.

 

~~*~~

 

“We need a lawyer” Joan says when they are left alone.

“A lawyer?” Peter asks.

“Yes. Someone who can handle the situation better than we did.”

“Joan” Hugh says. “I m quite sure that no lawyer will want this case.”

“He won't take this case.” Joan says “He will take my fiance's case.”

The other four look at her as if she has lost her mind.

“Joan-” Jock says.

“No.” Joan interrupts him. “We are getting Alan out of this.”

Hugh rubs his face with his palm.

“Fine.” he tells her as he gets up. “Come on. I know a good one.”

“Good?” she asks following him.

“Best one in England, according to a friend” Hugh smiles. Joan follows him hurriedly.

 

~~*~~

 

Joan enters the lawyer's office, along with Hugh and Jock.

“Miss Clarke.” The lawyer smiles and greets her politely. “Please sit down” he gestures at one of the chairs. On the other side of his desk.

“Thank you.” Joan smiles and takes a sit. Sir, this is Mr Murray” she gestures at Jock “and Mr Alexander” she gestures at Hugh. The lawyer shakes both their hands.

“Ah, yes, Mr Alexander” he says as he shakes Hugh's hand and gestures to the other chair. “We spoke on the phone. Please take a sit. You, too, Mr Murray, please.” he smiles at Jock. They both take a sit.

“So, Miss Clarke, how can I be of assistance.”

Joan takes a deep breath.

“I reached to you in an hour of need. A great need. It is about my fiance. He has been, falsely, accused of being a homosexual.”

“Falsely?” the lawyer asks.

“Yes.” Joan says defensively. “I-I am sorry. Yes. Falsely.”

“I see. And you would like me to help you, drop the charges.”

“I want you to prove that he is not. But not just that.”

The lawyer tilts his head interested.

“My fiance was accused to be a homosexual, and he was charged with gross indecency. After three months of hormonal therapy, he...” she takes a deep breath “he attempted to kill himself.” she pauses for a few moments. She looks back at the lawyer “He is now hospitalized.”

“Where where you Miss Clarke?” the lawyer asks. “When all these occurred.”

“I was taking care of my mother. She-she is- she _was_ very ill. She passed away. That's when I came back. And I found him-” she stops. She brings her hand in front of her mouth and tries to contain her tears “I found him like that.”

“Is there a file?” he asks “With his medical records?” She looks up at him.

“Yes. Yes of course” she takes a file from her purse and hands it to him. There is a name on the outside of it. Alan Turing.

The lawyer looks at it for a while silently, reads some parts of a few of the pages and then stares at it, thinking.

“Miss Clarke,” He says after a while. “I will have to be completely honest with you.”

Joan looks at him.

“I am not sure there will be something-”

“No-”

“This might be beyond-”

“No-”

“-my abilities”

“No!” she shouts. “You don't understand. I don't care whether you can or you can't do anything about it. I want you to get him out of this. I want you to save him. Hugh Alexander suggested that we call you because you are considered the most capable lawyer in England. So I don't care if there is nothing you can do. Find that nothing, and do it.” Joan takes a deep breath and pauses, looking at the man in front of her. God, he was young. He couldn't be more than five years older than her. He must sure know how it is to fight for some one you love. A friend, a lover, a family member. So she tells him. “I can't lose him again” she says “Not to two years in jail, no to more hormonal therapy, and God forbid, not to another attempted suicide.” she sees his eyes widen on the last one. “So do something”

The lawyer stays silent looking at the unopened file in front of him.

“Give me some time to run through his records.” he finally says, his voice harsh. “I will get in contact with you.”

Joan nods and stands up, Hugh and Jock right behind her. When she gets to the door, she turns to look at him.

“Thank you” she tells him. “Thank you mister...? I am sorry I don't think Hugh ever mentioned your name.”

“Morcom. Christopher Morcom.”

 

~~*~~

 

When his three clients leave the room, Christopher cannot take it any more. He sets aside the folder, covers his face with his hands and lets his tears roll down his face. It's Alan. The love of his life. The person he always hopped to meet again. The person he always thought they were meant to be. How could this have happened? How could it have happened now? Like this? He takes a deep breath to calm himself. When they were young he never wanted to imagine a life without him. When they parted he couldn't tell who was more heart broken. He takes another breath, but he can't contain himself. He breaks down. Tears roll down his face dripping down the papers he had in front of him. How can this be his life? That time with Alan was the happiest of his life. He has not been this happy ever since.

 

~~*~~

 

“Joan, please calm down. Take a breath.” Hugh tells her when they come out from the lawyer's office. She take a deep breath and reaches for he purse to take a napkin.

“God, impossible.” she she breaths and closes her eyes exasperatedly.

“What happened?” Jock asks placing his hand around her waist.

“I forgot my purse inside.” she tells him. “I will just be a moment” she says and heads back inside.

 

~~*~~

 

When Joan comes back inside she finds Christopher crying with his head in his hand.

She goes over and sits in the chair in front of him, his desk between them. She stays silent for a while observing him. For a moment she is not sure that such a sentimental man can win her a case. But then Christopher raises his head and looks at her. And in his eyes...God, in his eyes she can see every single thing she, herself, feels and more. She gasps and looks at him.

“Christopher.” she hears from the other side of the room. She looks towards the door and sees that Jock and Hugh have followed her.

“Christopher” she repeats. “It's you isn't it? Christopher. His one great love.” she closes his eyes. “Good God. And what a way to inform you about it.”

Christopher doesn't speak. He doesn't say a word.

“In that case, I think you should know. I am not his fiance. We were once engaged. But it was out of necessity. I knew he was homosexual. He had told me.” Christopher still hasn't said a word. “He talked to me about you.” she says. That earns her an interested look from him “He always talked about your mind. And the time you had together. He had never been happier. And the way his eyes shined...when he was talking about you. I have never seen that. Not when we broke Enigma, not when we won the war. His eyes, shined the most when he was talking about you.”

Christopher had stopped crying but tears kept running down his face.

“I can't do what you're asking me.” Joan reaches for Christopher's hand and squishes it.

“I think you can” she smiles.

“Why?” he asks.

Her smile only widens as she says “Because, sometimes, it is the very people who no one imagines anything of, that do the things that no one can imagine.”

 

~~*~~

 

They have gotten back to the hospital. Helen and Peter stand up as they enter the foyer.

“Did you find a lawyer?” Peter asks.

“You'd be surprised” Hugh says as he goes over to Helen.

“This is Christopher Morcom. He is the lawyer.” Joan says “This is Peter and that is Helen”

Christopher shakes Peter's hand but he is lost. He doesn't care bout Peter. He only want's to see Alan.

“Christopher? How did you--?” Peter shakes his head, amused by the coincidence.

“Yeah, we didn't” Joan says as she is looking for a nurse to let them see Alan. “That's Christopher.”

“T-the Christopher?” Helen asks shocked. Peter just stares at them.

“Yes.” Jock says. “Excuse me?” he says to one of the nurses. “Could we please see Alan Turing now?”

“Are you his family?” she asks.

“I am his fiance” Joan says and shows her the ring he had made for her.

“Ok, but only you.” she says as she looks at the ring.

“We will be needing our lawyer with us.” she insists.

“A lawyer? What on earth will you be needing lawyer for?”

“I will explain that, miss...?” Jock says and takes her by her arm to explain the situation.

Joan takes a deep breath and goes over to the door. She looks at Christopher and opens the door.

When Christopher sees Alan, he feels his eyes water and his heart beating faster, as if it wants to explode from his chest. He wipes his tears and heads over to the bed, next to Joan.

“The nurses say he is stable.” she says and brushes his hair. She turns to look at him. She takes her ring of and gives it to him. “If anyone should be given the ring, it is you.” she says.

Christopher takes it. He plies with it for a while. Holds it in his hands.

“Thank you.” he says. “But you should probably keep wearing it. For as long as the situation requires.”

Joan nods and lets Christopher place it back on her finger. Christopher turns to look a Alan. He reaches for his hand but for a moment he hesitates.

“I will be waiting outside.” Joan says softly and heads to the door. Once she is out of the room. Christopher gets closer to Alan. He caresses his hand with a finger. Then he feels Alan's finger moving slightly. He looks at him at notices that he has opened his eyes. He gasps.

“Alan.”

“Christopher?” Alan says weekly.

“Yes” he smiles and place on hand on Alan's neck and bends closer.

“Wh-what-?”

“Long story.” he smiles. “My God Alan, I- I never though I would see you again.” their foreheads are almost touching know.

“Christopher I-I lov-”

“Sshh.” he says and kisses his forehead “We will have time forthat.”

“We won't. They'll be watching me.”

“No. They won't. Alan, Law School, it was what broke us apart. It is time to be useful.”

“Christopher?” Alan says, tears running down his cheeks.

“Hm?”

“Don't leave me. Don't leave me alone.”

“Never. I. Will. Never.” he reassures him. “We can't be apart Alan.” he whispers. “I can't live without you. I tried. But I can't.”

Alan nods and brings one weak hand to grab Christopher's shirt. He raises his head, trying to kiss Christopher, and Christopher bends down to make it easier for him. And after years of loneliness, once again, they feel complete. Their lips meet into a kiss that sets free, dreams that had long been forgotten. The memories keep flooding from their minds and into the dark small room, only to blend with hope and dreams and promises. And this time, when the kiss ends, they don't go away. They stay there, between these two men that life has taken so much from. And in there, in secret, between the darkness and their souls, they make a new promise. And they seal it with their love and innocence, tribute to two young boys that died as their dream had faded. And after a very long time, these boys are back to find themselves completely happy.

 

 


	9. Happy Birthday!

A year later everything is good. Alan and Christopher have rented flats on the same building - “What a coincidence” Hugh smiles amused when they tell them and looks at Jock, knowingly.

It is the closest to living together without risking being caught. But they don't complain. They are never complaining again. Joan, Jock, Hugh and Helen come by very often, constantly making fun of Jock who can't follow some of their conversations.

 

They are getting ready to celebrate Christopher's birthday. Hugh, Helen, Jock and Joan will be coming, and today they are about to meet Peter's fiance, Susan.

Alan is getting dressed while Christopher tides up the living room. When he is about to get to the hallway and is glancing once more at the mirror in front of him, he feels Christopher's hands around his waist, and his chin resting on his shoulder. He smiles at Christopher from the mirror and lets his head fall back and closes his eyes.

“You are beautiful” Christopher kisses his neck. Alan laughs and turns in Christopher's arms.

“You know, you are looking in a mirror right?” he smiles affectionately.

“Hmm, nice one” Christopher says and kisses Alan softly on he lips.

When he pulls back, Alan whisper in his ear “P ZQAE TQR”

“The best thing I am going to hear all day.” Christopher comments kissing his forehead.

As they make their way to the living room, he places one hand around Alan's waist and he reciprocates the feeling with dashes and dots in Alan's skin. Alan smiles and looks adoringly at him.

The hear a knock on the door. Alan goes over to open and Christopher heads to the kitchen to bring some glasses and wine.

“Hello” Alan greets Joan and Jock.

“Hello” Joan smiles as she hugs him and hands him a shopping bag. “Where is Christopher?”

“In the kitchen” Alan answers and shakes Jocks hand. “Hello Jock”

“Hello Alan. Everything all right?” Jock asks.

“Yes, everything is great.” Alan smiles.

“Great I'm glad to hear that. Hugh and Helen?”

“Uhm, they are not here yet. Must be on their way.”

“Great.”

 

In the kitchen Joan helps Christopher carry the glasses and the wine.

“So?” Joan asks while they are walking toward the living room. “How is life?”

“Very good” Christopher answers happily. “I never thought I would be this happy ever again.” Joan smiles at him understandingly and places the glasses on the table. There is a knock on the door.

“I can get it.” Joan says and walks to the door.

“Happy birthday!” they hear Helen say on the way in. She hugs Joan and then head to Christopher. “Happy birthday” she repeats as she hugs him and hands him his present. She greets Jock and Alan as well and then start talking with Joan. Hugh who has not had the chance to speak since they got in, he goes over to Christopher and wishes happy birthday.

“Thank you” Christopher smiles and Hugh pats his back.

“So, how have thing been?” he asks him.

“Good” Christopher says. “Great, actually.” he smiles, looking at Alan who is talking to Jock.

“Are we going to eat at some point?” Helen asks and Joan laughs.

“Uhm, we are still waiting for Peter and Susan” Christopher says smiling amused and he and Hugh join Alan and Jock as their speaking.

“Oh, right” Helen say and she continues her conversation with Joan.

“About that,” Jock says “Does she know...?” he point towards Alan and Christopher.

“Oh, yes” Hugh says. “We talked about it the other day and he said that she has no problem with it.”

Christopher look at him a bit concerned.

“Oh don't worry, he doesn't go around asking girls where they stand on homosexuality issues.” Hugh says. “She kind of, figured it out on her own.”

“Plus,” Helen, that has home over there with Joan, says “rumor has it, her cousin is homosexual.” The all look at her questioningly. “What? I hear stuff.” She says. Hugh rolls his eyes but wraps a hand around her shoulders affectionately. They hear another knock on the door and Helen rushes to the door to open. They look at her and laugh good heartedly.

“Hey!” She greets Peter and Susan.

“Hello” Peter says and hugs her. “This is-?

“Susan.” she interrupts him and hugs her.

“So good to finally meet you. I'm Helen”

“Hi.” Susan says. She seems taken aback but also grateful for the positive reaction. “Nice to meet you, too” she smiles.

“So, come and meet everybody.” she takes and goes over to the others.

“So,” Hugh walks over to Peter when he gets away from Helen, “she is nice.”

“Yes she is” Peter smiles looking at her.

After Helen has finished introducing Susan to everybody she turns to Christopher and Alan.

“Are we eating now?” she asks.” Christopher laughs and Alan walks towards the kitchen.

“I'll bring the food.” he says.

“I'll go help him out.” Christopher tells Helen and turns to the kitchen.

“No” Helen says. “I'll do it. You go entertain your guests".

Christopher smiles. “Ok, thank you.”

Helen smiles and heads to the kitchen. Christopher goes over to the others.

“Hey” Peter says now that he gets the chance “Happy birthday” “Thanks” Christopher says.

“Oh, and here's you present” he says and gives him a bag. “It's from both of us. Susan picked it. Actually, we went together but she decided.” he says proudly.

“Oh, thank you Susan” Christopher says politely.

“You're welcome. I think you are going to like that colour. From the way Peter described you.”

“I am certain I will.” he says.

 

In the kitchen Helen helps Alan get the plates and foo ready.

“Alan, can you keep a secret?” she says. Alan turns to look at her.

“Of course you can.” she says.

“What is it?” Alan asks. Helen looks at him cheerfully.

“I'm pregnant.” she says and looks at him expectantly.

“Uhm, congratulations” Alan says smiling and hugs her. “So that's what all the starving was about in there” he laughs and Helen laughs with him.

“Yeah I guess.” she says and turns to take some dishes and carry them to the living room.

"Does Hugh know?" Alan asks as he follows her.

“Yes he does, but we haven't told anyone else yet.” She says and walks to the living room. “I just wanted you to know” She smiles. “Food's here!” she calls out and they all gather around the table.

“Oh, great” Peter says. “I'm starving”

They sit down and Helen help serving since she won't let Christopher do anything.

“It's your birthday.” she says. When they are all served, she sits down and lets Peter purr her some wine.

“I would like to make a toast.” Joan says and raises her glass. “After everything you guys went through, and everything we all went through at some point, I am very happy it all went great in the end. You deserve it” she smiles. “Happy birthday” the others raise their glasses as well

“Happy birthday” they all wish Christopher. Christopher smiles and Alan place his hand on top of his. He turns to look at Alan, and Alan smiles at him adoringly.

And this is how the night goes. With laughs and jokes and adoring looks and when the nigh ends and their guests say goodnight, Christopher cannot remember another time in his life when he has been so happy.

 

 


	10. A special present

When everybody leaves, Alan takes Christopher's hand and leads him to the bedroom. He closes the bedroom door and wraps his hands around Christopher's neck. Christopher wraps his own hands around his waist.

“I had a great time tonight” she smiles.

“Mmm me too.” Alan says. He brings himself closer and kisses Christopher on the lips. They kiss like that for a while, slow and gentle. Then Christopher presses Alan against the door with his body and deepens the kiss. He explores Alan's mouth as if it is the first time he does so. He brings one hand to caress Alan's cheek and Alan makes a soft sound. He thrusts forward against Christopher's hips, and Christopher can feel how hard Alan already is.

“God, Alan.” he breaths in the kiss.

“mmm” is the only thing Alan can say. He starts kissing Christopher's neck and he sucks at his pulse point. Christopher can't help but thrust forward. Alan hums and pushes Alan backwards until his knees hit the bed. He pushes him down and lies on top of him. He starts undoing his shirt and kisses every newly exposed skin. Christopher groans and puts one hand in Alan's head tugging his hair. When all the buttons are undone, Alan takes his own shirt and trousers of. He places one hand on Christopher's neck and gives a little push indicating that he needs to stand up. He takes his clothes off and then they lie down, Alan on top of Christopher. Christopher bucks his hips upwards.

“Alan-” he pants. “Please. I-I need” Alan hums and thrusts down hard, making Christopher choke. He bring a hand between them and wraps it around both their cocks. He starts stroking them and Christopher can't contain a chocked groan that escapes him.

Alan starts planting kisses on Christopher's face, his closed eyes, his cheeks, his temple, his eyelashes and then his mouth. He kisses him hard and fast in time with his thrusts and Christopher can't take it anymore.

“Alan I can't-” Alan hums encouragingly and sucks at his neck and that is it for Christopher. He lets a choked cry and comes biting Alan's shoulder to keep from screaming. And that does it for Alan. The bite and Christopher coming undone underneath him is all it takes to send Alan over the edge. He breaths Christopher's name and comes, on his hand and their stomachs. Alan's hands give up and Christopher catches him right before their faces hit. He giggles and bends his head up to kiss Alan, but he can't control himself and ends up laughing into the kiss. Alan laughs along with him and wraps his arms around his neck. “I love you” he says between their giggles.

“I love you” Alan answers, giggling as well. Alan pushes his hand up on one elbow and looks at Christopher.

“What?” Christopher asks. “You are beautiful” Alan says. Christopher smiles at him.

“I would say the same thing.” he says “and this time, I am not looking at a mirror.”

Alan chuckles. Suddenly he stands up and goes to the door.

“Where are you going?” Christopher asks.

“I'll be right back” Alan says and disappears from the door. Not even a minute later he comes back holding something. He jumps back into bed and lies next to Christopher.

“What is that?” Christopher asks.

“It's your birthday present.” Alan smiles.

“Alan you got me a birthday present.” Christopher says.

“Well, this is something else. This is...special.” he says and hands Christopher his present. It's a book. A very familiar book.

Christopher looks at it in shock. He turns to look at Alan, his eyes watery.

“You kept it?”

“Of course I did” Alan smiles and looks at the book. “Open it” he says.

Christopher opens it and on the first page he finds a note he had written all those years ago.

_**My dear friend,Alan, happy birthday** _

He smiles at the memory.

On the same page he sees the dots and dashes that, connected, they brought his dreams to life. He turns to look at Alan and he sees him looking at him with a smile on his lips. He kisses him softly and then returns to the book. On by one he finds the letters he had put in circles. With his finger he caresses every one of them. And when he turns the page to find the right letter, something falls of the page. He looks down at his stomach to find that what had fallen, was actually the engagement ring Alan had made out of thread years ago.

“Alan?” he whispers, his voice unsteady. He turns to look at him. Alan is looking at him, biting his lower lip worriedly.

“Joan gave it to my when I came home from the hospital.” he explains. “I would have gotten a real one but...you wouldn't be able to wear it.” Christopher looks at him and then at the ring and then back at him. He smiles and picks it up. He looks at it smiling. “Christopher, I know we can't get married,” Alan continues “but I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Christopher turns to look at him, with a great big smile on his lips.

“I want to be with you for the rest of my life, too, Alan.” he says “I love you.”

“I love you too Christopher.” He takes one of Christopher's hand in his own, he picks up the ring and puts it in his finger. He leans against him with his head on Christopher's shoulder and his hand in his. They look at the ring in his finger. Christopher turns his head a bit and kisses his temple. And together they are looking at the ring and one book, the two things that keep their past and their future in them, ready to unleash it.

**Author's Note:**

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